by Lone Shark

You could say that Senator Marco Rubio has been walking on water of late, and now the Fort Myers Miracle are doing their part to immortalize Rubio’s refreshing delivery of his response to the president’s State of the Union address.  

The Miracle are the Minnesota Twins‘ Single-A minor league affiliate, and their latest quirky promotion to put fannies in the seats is- you guessed it- Marco Rubio Water Bottle Giveaway Night.

And in typical minor-league baseball publicity-hounding style, the team’s press release is dripping with sarcasm-

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In honor of Florida Senator Marco Rubio’s sip seen across the country, the Fort Myers Miracle want to ensure that fans are properly hydrated for this summer’s baseball season by hosting a Marco Rubio water bottle giveaway night.

Fans entering Hammond Stadium will receive a water bottle while being encouraged to gather in the shady parts of the ballpark to stay cool when the heat is on and prevent perspiration. The Miracle will help recreate Rubio’s thirst-quenching moment on national television by setting up a booth where fans can put on a sports jacket, stand in front of a set and down some high-quality H2O.

Those picking up tickets at the will call window should be prepared for unlicked ticket envelopes because our parched Capital Bank ticket office employees will be saving saliva. Fans will need to salvage water water wisely with special deals on high-sodium concession items such as chips, popcorn and peanuts.

In an effort to keep the field saturated, the Hammond Stadium groundscrew will participate in a mid-game rain dance because even the Earth needs a drink on a hot day. Fans can expect to make a big splash with a stadium-wide game of Marco Polo.

Of course, the Miracle will extend an invitation to Senator Rubio to throw out the first pitch, provided he uses the rosin bag beforehand and is thoroughly hydrated.

Be sure to quench your thirst and don’t miss Marco Rubio water bottle giveaway night this summer at Hammond Stadium!

Interestingly, the Miracle did not divulge the date when these Rubio water bottles will be given away- perhaps the team plans on exacting every last drop of publicity from Rubio’s “sip seen across the country.” Related: Rubio’s Comedic Response to Sipping Water